Trapped

So lost and alone,

Trapped in my mind.

Another tunnel with no light,

Another maze with no way out.

Wishful thoughts,

Regrets taking over,

Anger rising.

Pushing people away,

But wanting people near.

Speaking without thinking,

Thinking without the heart.

Speaking the truth,

But never wanting to apologize.

I mean what for?

To much hate,

To much pain.

Thoughts yeah there powerful,

It takes over your mind.

Past comes back up,

When you think you buried this shit,

Yeah nothing is ever buried forever

Is it?

Thoughts left unsaid,

Tears pushed inside.

No one really understands,

Or cares,

Do they?

Left alone to carry this load,

But this load is far to heavy

It’s weighing me down.

I am running

But drowning at the same time.

Need to let the past go

But can’t,

When it feels like it’s happening right now.

How can it?

My own demons I can’t control.

My own thoughts I can’t decipher.

Am I to far gone?

Will the sun ever shine?

I hold my hand out,

But no one takes hold of it.

So I sink further down

In this hole which is my home.

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I Think too Much

My brain won’t stop. It won’t shut up. It’s like an energizer bunny with no ending in sight.

I take things too personal. A person can tell me one thing and I will take it to another level. My brain just won’t stop. For instance I can be texting a friend something and all of a sudden this person will stop texting me back. My brain will automatically assume, “did I say something wrong?” “Is this person mad at me.” Or my brain can just go straight into defensive mechanism, and I will say something mean when in reality I should have just let it go and moved on. I am just overthinking the entire situation.

But the reality is I take things personally. So I usually in most cases take what someone says and I run with it in a million different ways. And it’s never in the positive. But my brain just won’t shut off there. It will constantly think about it until I am asleep and I can no longer control my thoughts.

The mind is so powerful. But is it me just overthinking, or do I have a serious problem? Is it my borderline personality disorder? Yeah I technically have no answer.

I know that we can control our own thoughts but for someone who does have borderline personality disorder I tend to have a harder time with my thought process.

I overthink:

• am I a good mom?

• why can’t I let the past go?

• could I have done or said that better?

• why doesn’t that person like me?

• why is that person staring at me?

• will I ever be happy?

• will the past always haunt me?

• am I ever going to have friends?

• why do bad things happen to good people?

• why am I not good enough?

• what is wrong with me?

This is typically what my brain thinks about on a daily basis. And much more.

Sometimes I wish my brain would just shut off.

Just a poem

I feel so trapped it’s

like being in a prison.

No where to go,

I am losing my breath.

I feel the heaviness of the chains

That bring me down.

There’s darkness everywhere I turn

I see no hope.

No escape.

I feel feelings deeper than I can rationally manage.

Hurtful words being thrown at me,

Knocks me back to the past

Where everything was oh so dark.

I am lonely here

No one understands.

Scars go deeper than the ones on my skin.

I want out but can’t seem

to take that next step.

Could it be fear of death?

Well I am afraid of living.

So something has to give.

I am oh so tired

I can’t shake this feeling

I can’t shake the pain.

It’s like I am crawling

But each crawl is getting harder.

It’s like I am stuck in quicksand

It’s holding me back.

Holding me down.

There’s no way out

But what I am living in is a nightmare

And it feels like it’s only the beginning.

Me and the girl in the mirror

When I look at

The girl in the mirror

I don’t see me,

I see a darkened spirit

That lost her way.

But then I see that young child

Trapped in an adult body.

Begging for some love,

Someone to hold on to,

To be protected,

To be told it will be ok.

The girl in the mirror is

Full of fear.

The past makes her scared

Of even her own reflection.

The girl in the mirror

Wants to escape but is stuck and

Held down by her past.

The girl in the mirror

Feels regret,

But can’t seem to accept the things

That she needs to.

Instead she holds onto it.

The girl in the mirror

Will fake a smile any day.

Will tell you she is ok,

Will be the person you want her to be,

But at the end of the day

She cries of all the pain she is holding onto.

The girl in the mirror struggles to love herself.

Struggles to say anything positive.

All she feels is the touch of her abusers.

The feeling of hate and anger towards herself.

The girl in the mirror

Fears she will never truly be happy.

Fears she will never get over her past.

But yet the girl in the mirror

Will do anything to be accepted and loved.

In the end that’s all she ever wanted when she was younger.

But all she had was herself.

And she is her worst enemy.

Self Harm was my Friend

I have scars that still remind me of my past. The scars of each cut I made when I couldn’t handle life or what life had threw at me.

It started at age 14 when I found my, “Best Friend.” The one thing that was constant. The one thing that was there when there was no one I could turn to. The one thing that made me escape reality even if it was just for that moment. It was my addiction for a long time.

I can’t say I don’t think about it anymore. I think it’s only been 6 months since I last made a mark on myself. It has always been my go to when I needed a release. Or if things got to much. It’s still my go to thought. But I fight this thought a little more than I used to.

So far I am in recovery. I know this will be a lifelong battle cause it was my lifelong friend. A friend that somehow I can’t erase the thought of. It’s like a toxic thought that sometimes never erases.

I don’t think many people understand why some people self harm. And all I can say is you probably won’t ever understand unless you have gone through it. A lot of people say you could always use other coping skills to escape, but it’s nothing like feeling the pain on your skin instead of the pain or thoughts that never die down in a cutters head or heart.

I am not saying that this was the best way I could have handled my life situations during that time period. What I am saying is at that time “IT” was the only thing that numbed everything else. It was my escape from all the emotional damage I was internally feeling.

I hope that I never have to use this “friend” again. I hope that I can just deal with my crap and face all my issues head on like a champ. But I don’t know the future. What I do know is that today I didn’t use cutting as my escape.

Breaking the Cycle

I grew up in an abusive home physically and emotionally by my mom. I always felt scared and on guard. I also had strict rules where I couldn’t go to any of my friends houses or even have them over. It was to the point where I snuck my friends in when my mom wasn’t home and I ran away 2x (and got hurt in the process) but I will leave that topic for another blog. My mom knew nothing about me. I was quiet. I kept to myself, and I was always on guard. It wasn’t till I ran away she leaned back with being too strict but at that point it was already to late. There is so much more I can say what my mom did to me but that’s not the point of this blog.

My dad on the hand was not in the picture a lot, but when he was around and I did visit him. Man it was like a battle field. I was always put down. I needed to be perfect for him. I wasn’t his poster child. He beat me all the time for little things like grades in school, and for listening to music that wasn’t his taste. He was just not a good support either. I hated him more than I hated my mom. But I was more scared of my dad than I was my mom. Weird I know but true. Again I can go on and on about what he put me through but he doesn’t deserve that attention right now.

My only true outlet was my friends or friends I thought were friends I shall say.

I was in an out psychiatric hospitals it started at age 15. There I can honestly say I felt my safest. So I found reason, and ways to go back. The sad part is it was death or the hospital. Those were my options. At least in my brain it was the only way to escape.They tried to make me live with my dad but that was a disaster and lasted less than a week. So finally after trying multiple sessions with my family they found them both to be unfit. And they put me in a group home called parsons.

Parsons is another place I can say I felt safe and at peace. It was my home at that time. I made relationships with staff and peers. But the reality is it was only my home back then. Not anymore! The reason I say this is all the relationships I made with the staff were all just temporary. I mean let’s face it they can’t be a mom or dad figure now. They can’t come over to my house and Watch Netflix with me when I am depressed. Still trying to accept this piece of the puzzle.

It’s sad I still crave my mom’s love and my dads attention. I mean let’s face it I won’t ever get it no matter how much I wish and hope.

Now I have a beautiful daughter that I just love to pieces. I have the ability to be a better mom than I ever had. And I am proving to myself I can.

My daughter gets sooo much love and so much more than I ever had growing up. I don’t beat her, or put her down, and make her feel like crap. Instead every day I lift her up and I tell her she is beautiful and that she can be anything she wants to be in the world. I tell her how much I love her. I want her to know she is safe. And that she can come to me, and never be scared of me. When she is older, and is sad about something I will be the one with chocolate, ice cream and a box of pizza and we will watch movies till we fall asleep. I will be there. I will protect her. I will be the mom I never had. She also has a dad that I can say is a true dad. She is one lucky girl. I will break the cycle and the best part about this is so far is I already did.

A Poem of how I feel

I lie awake at night

With the demons inside my head.

It’s never quiet

It’s always oh so loud.

I Fear of the demons

That consume me.

I can’t hide,

I can’t run away,

I am trapped and alone.

Anger pulls at my heart,

Fear rips me apart,

Regret stays heavy on my chest.

Past seems to control me.

The future seems to scare me.

The unknown is even harder to grasp.

Wanting to hide and make it all just stop,

But there’s no where to run,

And no where to hide,

Not even my own body is a place I want to be in.

Who wants to really listen?

No one knows what to say.

Except let’s drug you up so all you feel is sleepy and have no emotion.

Cause yeah that’s smart.

Let’s just hide from the pain.

Move on! Everyone says.

That’s a joke.

When I look in the mirror

I can’t believe what I see.

I am ashamed of the women looking back at me.

So much pain is in that women’s heart.

Fat, ugly, disgusting, pig is what I see.

How can I show my daughter to look in the mirror and love herself?

When I don’t even love me!

Just saying!!